I have to laugh

Sunday, 19th July 2020, 11.31 a.m.

          Well, hello. I am writing this in Ward Bunga Raya 2, Hospital Sultan Haji Ahmad Shah, Temerloh. Why? Oh, just the usual monthly lupus flare. 2020 has been so weird and mean to me. Before I started writing, I read through all my old posts and all I did was being sad and complained about my life. I guess God finally gave me something legit to complain about hahah. I just felt like my life is a series of unfortunate events lol

           So my last 2019 post was only about Comel. But actually 2019 was a brilliant year. The best year I've had so far. I did my mooting, got an A for that subject. Did not know I could present so well in front of a judge, my voice didn't shake. My anxious ass was surprised. I worked part-time at Xcape Taman Negara during my semester break. Started off doing housekeeping but they transferred me to the front-desk. Everyone, literally everyone was so nice to me. The best working experience I've had. Upgraded to a new phone using my salary. I got out of my comfort zone so much that I felt like a different person when I started my new semester. I was content, I was so happy in 2019. I thought it was going to last a little longer. 

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           Things turned out differently in 2020. I was feeling pretty hopeful, wondering whether 2020 was gonna be as amazing as my 2019. I started the first and second month of the year doing my internship at Temerloh High Court. I had fun doing my internship there too with Anishu. Started my new semester at the end of February. This is when things started to get worse for me. Like literally, I thought I was going to die.

          So, towards the end of February, I started developing a cough that doesn't go away. On 8th March, I went for volunteering at this one kenduri kahwin. It was so hot, and this is when shit started to get real. I think the hot weather triggered my SLE. After I got home from the kenduri, I started to get sick. Cough got worse, and I developed high fever. I was so weak so on the weekend, I went back to Temerloh because I thought I might go crazy if I don't see my family. I was really sick. Then to make things worse, the Covid-19 breakout happened.. I was sick, anxious, and depressed. I thought I caught the virus when I attended the kenduri. I was sick for an entire month, it was hell. I did the swab test twice, it came out negative. I was still sick, I couldn't even get up from my bed, I couldn't even see the sight of food, it makes me want to throw up. After my 4th time to the ED (lol) I finally got admitted. After a few days of admission, the doctors suspected me of having lupus. But it wasn't confirmed yet. I got discharged, was pretty happy, I thought I was healthy. 

Oh, no, how bold of me to think of that.

           I got sick again after a month. Prolonged fever and cough, started to lose appetite and weight again, not to mention that my whole body was aching like hell. I couldn't straighten nor bend my right arm, I couldn't wake up for the bed feeling like I my whole body got beaten up, literally. Everything hurts. Got admitted again, and the doctors confirmed of my SLE. My world became dark. I started to see the world differently. My plans for my future, my studies, everything. Never thought I was going to have a chronic illness so young. I've always made jokes about wanting to die but I guess God took my jokes literally. Careful what you wish for huhu. Now, after my 4th admission, maybe I've started to accept this illness. This time the doctors said there's a little fluid in my heart, and an infection. But I'm feeling better and ready to go home. I don't know, I'm still sad I guess. But I'm ready to share my illness with the world. But I get a little sad sometimes when people say stuff like "Oh, baru 23, muda lagi." Ya la makcik I never asked for this illness also. You think i can choose which year I want to catch a chronic illness ah.

             Man, now my chance at scoring a boyfriend is even slimmer. Nobody wants to date a sick person, right :( 

The one that never expected anything in return.

Thursday, 24th January 2019

I had a best friend, that I loved dearly, with all of my heart. The one that was always there, when the world turned its back on me. When everything else seemed to fail, she was there, with its presence and comforting warmth. I still remember her smell, her calming purr, and her gentle gaze. She was my best friend for 8 years. 

In 2011, my parents brought home a stray cat, they found her at a restaurant. She was pregnant and sick, that when my parents brought her here, she accidentally pooped on my mum. We named her Comel. After adopting Comel, we had many other cats. But none of them were like Comel. Comel has a special place in my heart, it was as if we had this bond, that nobody could ever break. My sister hated the fact that I will always choose Comel over any cats in the house. Comel, unlike any other cats, was quite unlucky. She was sick a lot, and during those moments, I cried a lot too because I couldn't stand seeing her getting hurt, but I was with her for most of these unlucky moments. We've had each other's backs. I've always told my family that I hope, when the day Comel finally choose to leave the world, I hope I wasn't there. I can't watch her leave me, I can't watch her get hurt. And she did. She left when I was in Puchong. My mum cried horribly, I was numb. And when the reality finally hit me, I cried, like a baby. Now, at times when things get hard, or when I am simply lonely, I think of her. And I still cry like she was gone yesterday.

During her time living with me, even though we faced many hardships, I managed to pull through because Comel was always there, every single time. Whenever I was feeling down, Comel was there, comforting me with her soft purrs. Naturally, she just knew when to be there for me. She will come up to my room, lay beside me or on my stomach. And just be there till the next morning. No unnecessary noise and words, she was just... there. She was the big sister I never had. She was the best friend that I truly had. 

I miss having you around Comel, things are really hard for me right now. Why don't you have a talk with the one up there, huh buddy? Tell him that I desperately need a break. Thank you for all the sweet memories, and for being the one that never expected anything in return. 

Life's way of getting back at ME

Monday, 21st January 2019.

           Helloooo, first blog update of the year. Today is my mum's birthday. I bought her a piece of cake yesterday, it was Oreo cheesecake. I was too broke and the piece that I bought was using my last note. I made her a chocolate cake today, using a recipe from Youtube but it turned out to be too freakin sweet. Oh, and finals sucked. Pretty sure I flunked my Equity and Trusts paper. I hope I won't fail the paper...

         Anywayyy, the topic today is on life's way of getting back at us. Or at least me. I'm really THAT unlucky lol. So, like, I've been noticing like life is really that bitch. She will always get in my way whenever I'm confident that I'm gonna pave my way through. I was crossing my fingers that 2019 was going to be my year, and on the first day of 2019, I sprained my ankle and couldn't walk properly for 2 fucking weeks. I don't really ask much but life's really out here fucking me up left and right. Now I just finished watching The Blind Side and it was good. Made me tear up a little bit and all that I can say is Michael went through a lot of shit, and he was lucky that someone came to save him. But who's gonna save me? I know it's unhealthy to be crying for help and expecting people to come and save you as if they owe you something but you know, it would be nice to know that someone has your back if things get fucked up and assures you that it's okay, you're gonna be fine. 

          I'm gonna keep holding on for now because of my parents. I know they'll be sad if I'm gone and I still have to take care of my sister. At least they're my reasons of holding on right now. I don't know my purpose here. Also, I noticed that I judge people a lot. I like to analize people's attitude. I keep mental receipts and I'm always cynical internally. I'm still nice to everyone around me but part of me feels like I'm a hypocrite for pretending that I care, because I know most of them are full of shit. I pick fights with people whenever I feel like they're crossing the line. And the line is very thin because this sis gets ticked off very easily. I hate being petty but I hate to let people do whatever they want just because I seemed like the cool friend/cousin/niece because I rarely respond to shit. But whenever I do, they get surprised. But at some point, life will always have a way in showing that I am wrong. Sometimes guilt eats me alive. I hate being a paradox. 

Holding on

Tuesday, 11 December 2018

            Hello, second blog update of the year. I've been so busy that I sometimes forget that I have a blog. I'm writing here so that I could remember the things that I went through and feel grateful if things were to get better for me. So, I'm in my third semester now in law school. Week 14 to be exact. This semester is one hell of a ride, I swear. Oh, I'm writing this because I've been trying to ignore my Criminal Law assignment lol. So, this semester is the last semester that I have to take co-curriculum and third language. I hate them both because they're a pain in the ass and irrelevant. Thank god it's over now.

            Anyway, I was already in extreme sadness before the semester starts because I didn't get into the hostel. My family is in a tight spot financially and I really can't afford to rent a room. But then I just decided to do it because I was pretty sure even if I make a second application, the hostel would reject it. I'm tired of being anxious every time I have to wait for the results. I told my mum and dad that I would pay my own rent and bills. And I did it without any failure, expect for this one month. BECAUSE MY LAPTOP BROKE DOWN. Just so that I won't forget, it's not my fault. A friend of mine drank water from my water bottle and didn't close the lid properly, and then... you know what happens next. What frustrated me was that person didn't even know about it. Because even if I told them, I'm pretty sure they would ask me 'why did you drink in front of an electronic device??" But in all honesty, I will choose to suffer you know. Money has been a serious issue for me this semester. I pay my own rent and bills, and I don't get to eat whatever I want like I did in the previous semesters. Sometimes I even contemplate whether I should buy a bottle of mineral water because I'm on a tight budget.

            I'm not sure when will this end or will it EVER end. I'm really tired of thinking about money every day when I wake up. When I look at my friends who don't even have to go through this pain that I have to go through, it pains me. This journey feels lonely. I know it's not good to complain, but i'm tired. I'm still grateful for all the other things in my life, but this money issue has been dragging me down so bad, that sometimes I can't even think of ways to live. Sometimes I can't even bring myself to be happy because if I do, something bad will happen to me. I used to believe that it is always darkest before the dawn but my night seems to be very long and cold. 

2018

Thursday, 5 July 2018

Omg i haven't updated my blog for a year already. So many things has changed since the last post. In early June 2017 I got an offer letter to go for an interview at UiTM law school which had me shook, because I always thought I was going to UUM for my legal studies. I put UiTM in my first choice because I thought nehhh probably not going to get that spot but bihhhh life proved me wrong hahah. Survived through the interview and here I am, already done with my second semester. It's quite tough, went through depression in my first semester, wanting to die everyday, questioned my self-worth and credibility, am I smart enough to be here, am I brave enough to face this for 4 years, something like that. It changed after the semester ends, in second semester I met a counselor, talked about it. I finally got control over my depression. It might come back when things get worse. I don't know.

I can't believe that my dreams to enter law school has finally come true. My main dream since I was 16. I always thought I wasn't going to be able to make it but what's meant to be will be.

Also, if any of you have read my previous post saying that I'm okay with not being in a relationship or whatever, my views have changed, can somebody love me now because this sis gets really lonely sometimes, especially when I have to take Grab to go places and pay for it. Damn, boys with cars are so hot :(

Anyway, for these past few years of ups and downs there is only one thing that I can say to myself: No matter how shitty life gets, just go through with it. You have no other choice but to go through with it. That's what going to make you tough and appreciate life more. It's only gonna get worse before it becomes better.