Well, hello. I am writing this in Ward Bunga Raya 2, Hospital Sultan Haji Ahmad Shah, Temerloh. Why? Oh, just the usual monthly lupus flare. 2020 has been so weird and mean to me. Before I started writing, I read through all my old posts and all I did was being sad and complained about my life. I guess God finally gave me something legit to complain about hahah. I just felt like my life is a series of unfortunate events lol
So my last 2019 post was only about Comel. But actually 2019 was a brilliant year. The best year I've had so far. I did my mooting, got an A for that subject. Did not know I could present so well in front of a judge, my voice didn't shake. My anxious ass was surprised. I worked part-time at Xcape Taman Negara during my semester break. Started off doing housekeeping but they transferred me to the front-desk. Everyone, literally everyone was so nice to me. The best working experience I've had. Upgraded to a new phone using my salary. I got out of my comfort zone so much that I felt like a different person when I started my new semester. I was content, I was so happy in 2019. I thought it was going to last a little longer.
Things turned out differently in 2020. I was feeling pretty hopeful, wondering whether 2020 was gonna be as amazing as my 2019. I started the first and second month of the year doing my internship at Temerloh High Court. I had fun doing my internship there too with Anishu. Started my new semester at the end of February. This is when things started to get worse for me. Like literally, I thought I was going to die.
So, towards the end of February, I started developing a cough that doesn't go away. On 8th March, I went for volunteering at this one kenduri kahwin. It was so hot, and this is when shit started to get real. I think the hot weather triggered my SLE. After I got home from the kenduri, I started to get sick. Cough got worse, and I developed high fever. I was so weak so on the weekend, I went back to Temerloh because I thought I might go crazy if I don't see my family. I was really sick. Then to make things worse, the Covid-19 breakout happened.. I was sick, anxious, and depressed. I thought I caught the virus when I attended the kenduri. I was sick for an entire month, it was hell. I did the swab test twice, it came out negative. I was still sick, I couldn't even get up from my bed, I couldn't even see the sight of food, it makes me want to throw up. After my 4th time to the ED (lol) I finally got admitted. After a few days of admission, the doctors suspected me of having lupus. But it wasn't confirmed yet. I got discharged, was pretty happy, I thought I was healthy.
Oh, no, how bold of me to think of that.
I got sick again after a month. Prolonged fever and cough, started to lose appetite and weight again, not to mention that my whole body was aching like hell. I couldn't straighten nor bend my right arm, I couldn't wake up for the bed feeling like I my whole body got beaten up, literally. Everything hurts. Got admitted again, and the doctors confirmed of my SLE. My world became dark. I started to see the world differently. My plans for my future, my studies, everything. Never thought I was going to have a chronic illness so young. I've always made jokes about wanting to die but I guess God took my jokes literally. Careful what you wish for huhu. Now, after my 4th admission, maybe I've started to accept this illness. This time the doctors said there's a little fluid in my heart, and an infection. But I'm feeling better and ready to go home. I don't know, I'm still sad I guess. But I'm ready to share my illness with the world. But I get a little sad sometimes when people say stuff like "Oh, baru 23, muda lagi." Ya la makcik I never asked for this illness also. You think i can choose which year I want to catch a chronic illness ah.
Man, now my chance at scoring a boyfriend is even slimmer. Nobody wants to date a sick person, right :(
