Existence

Wednesday, 24th May 2017, 11:29 p.m.
         
            Assalamualaikum and hello! So before I started writing up this post, I saw a conversation on Twitter about an atheist girl questioning if there really was Heaven or Hell. Sure, it was written in the Quran and Bible, but really, who, like right now, can confirm that there's really Heaven and Hell? I used to question this for quite a long time. I prayed since I was a kid, but I didn't really put my heart in to it. All I know that I was praying to God, because we were obligated to do it 5 times a day. Also because my parents told me to. When I was a kid, I used to pretend to pray, and I locked myself in my room and just do anything except for praying.
         
           It continued for quite some time until I was fifteen. I started to pray because I feel like I needed help for PMR. In my understanding, we pray because we need to ask something from Allah. I prayed only for that sole reason.  I didn't think it was wrong, because my heart wasn't really into it, but I tried. When I turned 16, it was like a trend for people to become 'Islamic'. It was hip, everyone wants to wear a niqab and uses Arabic phrases such as ana, anta, ukhwah, zauj etc., as if it's cool lol. So I wanted to fit in too, I wore handsocks and socks to cover my aurah, I followed Islamic pages and joined WhatsApp groups. But after awhile, I got annoyed. All they did was talk about early marriage, love after marriage. Everything was about marriage, as if it was the most Islamic thing to do. I also kind of pushed one of my friends to cover her aurah, just to make myself feel better. You know, that superior feeling that you feel when you have something that nobody else does? I still feel bad about it. What I did was not dakwah, it was just pure ego. At this time of age too, my mental health was at its worst. I get anxieties everyday, I get panic attacts at random moments and I only rely on God. It was the only time when nobody else in the world could be there for me, not even when they offer themselves to. I started to realize, this is why I need God. He's the one for me when nobody else was. Sure, anybody can choose what they want to believe in, and in my case, it happens to be Allah, and I couldn't be even more grateful. When I was 17, I calmed down a little. I was glad that I have friends to remind me that I ain't shit and I don't have to shove my beliefs down other peoples throats. Also, I started to fully pray. I don't skip anymore. Also because I have a big exam that year. I have two reasons for me right now, reasons why I believe in God.

          So, when I turn 18, it was alright. I didn't have the need to question. My was in my small circle so my thoughts weren't distracted or corrupted. Things changed when I turned 19. I made a Twitter account. I met a lot of people, the ones who believe in God and the ones who don't. All of them helped me to question, is there even a God? I was sceptical, I questioned everything, I wasn't sure about what I was doing anymore. One of the main reasons was that my life turned out to be so shitty, I wanted to die everyday. I asked God everyday, what did I do to deserve this kind of hardship? I didn't get my answers. I spend everyday questioning and couldn't find the answers. My heart was never at ease. One day, I felt this sudden urge to listen Quran. I was feeling quite at ease again. I started to pray for no reason, just because I wanted to feel the presence of Allah again, the feeling that I haven't felt for such a long, long time. Now, I still believe in God and his creations, the ones that we can't see with our own eyes. However, I try very hard everyday not to treat others differently, just because the don't share the same faith as me, or do the things that I don't. I mean sure, a human's  deeds  is the only thing that matters to Allah. But somehow I feel, Allah is not that petty. He is full of mercy, love and care. No matter how much we turn away from Him, I believe that His love is greater than  our sins.

bleh

Sunday, 21st May 2017, 9.33 p.m.

          lol I'm updating a post on my dying laptop so lets hope I can finish this post before it dies. So last two months I did an update about my skin condition, and honestly it has gotten so much better but the right side of my face is starting to break out, it only used to have whiteheads and it was gone after 4-5 of Oxy10 application. It was hella drying though. Turns out my skin was allergic to Tea Tree Oil. Once I stopped using Aiken's moisturizer and toner, I don't have whiteheads anymore. The reason I have acne on the right side of my face was because I wasn't taking care of it well enough. There were blackheads(leftovers of the whiteheads) on my cheek so I kinda played with it and I tried to dig it out(dumb) and my skin was irritated. Plus, I didn't wash my hands first so it was the biggest cause. So kids, don't touch your face with dirty hands, or just don't touch them at all unless you're washing it. Also, I bought few skincare products like face wash, face scrub and facemasks. Right now, I'm currently using Calmia Oatmeal Therapy Cleansing Foam, it doesn't do much but it is gentle on my skin. Since my skin is super oily, this face wash suits my skin. I don't think it will suit people who has dry skin because it can be quite drying. I've been using my apricot scrub, but I will mix it with my Innisfree Jeju Volcanic Scrub Foam since the apricot scrub is quite harsh and the volcanic scrub is too gentle for my liking. I will always feel refreshed after scrubbing my face with those two products. I love to apply clay mask on my face after that and followed by normal face masks. Overall, my skin is getting better but I still have a long way to go to achieve clear skin. I need to be careful to not touch my face and make sure that my skin is always clean.

         So, enough with my skin story, I am currently sonervous because I need to check if I'm gonna get a call for interview tonight on UPU. What time will they open their website? Eleven fifty-nine freaking PM. One minute before midnight. Is this some kind of government-trolling style? I really want an interview, but I don't think I'll be able to achieve a high score or blow the interviewers away lol I am a basic person :( I think I know shit when I actually don't). So I kinda hope I get the courses which doesn't need interviews because um,,, I KINDA SUCK. But if I do get one, I hope that I will do my best and don't f it up, honestly. Please pray for me and my future!

Skin problems

Wednesday, 22 March 2017, 8:52 p.m.

          Okay so this is a quick update about my skin condition right now. My skin is suddenly breaking out, for several reasons. First, I tried 3 new products after I stopped using DNARS day cream for sensitive skin. The reason I stopped buying it because it has harmful ingredients for our skin. So I bought the Garnier toner, I forgot the name because I already gave it to my friend, the colour of the bottle is yellow. It didn't suit my skin because the formula is milky, and my skin is oily. So whenever I apply it, my skin feels sticky and it's just plain disgusting, really. And the second product that I bought was Himalaya Almond and Cucumber Peel-Off Mask, also caused my skin to have a little reaction, small pimples here and there. And the third product was a face scrub from EverSoft. I'm not gonna assume that this was the cause of my acne breakout but it didn't help it become better either. I also read that apricot face scrubs are too harsh for your face, it might break the moisture barrier of your skin. That's probably it because my skin continued to freak out after that.

           After a few weeks, few cystic acne starts to come out. First, a few on my forehead. Then, my eyebrows got attacked with a bunch of em. Tragic. Hurts like hell too. And then this one week, last month to be exact, I started to over-consume cheese because my parents bought a lot haha (regretting it). I don't usually take dairy-based products because I don't like milk, they're nasty. I also don't usually eat dairy chocolate so my body totally freaked out after I consumed a lot of cheese. So, I tried a few products here and there.

          First I bought Aiken toner and moisturizer. I didn't really like the toner because IT FREAKING STINGS MY SMOL EYES. The moisturizer was okay, am still using it. Nothing really changed but it gives a decent moisture to my oily skin so that's good. Probably not gonna repurchase it though. And then I started consuming vitamin C, got it from Watsons, RM29.90 for 60 tablets. SOUR AF. But my black-ish scars are starting to fade slowly. Definitely going to repurchase. And then I stopped using D'Herbs' Papaya Soap because I think it's also doing no good for my skin. And I stopped washing my face for a while and I used honey as a face wash.

         So three days ago I bought a local drugstore face wash, called Safi Oxywhite. I wasn't planning on buying it though, I was just looking for a mild face wash since I feel disgusted for not washing my face. Icky. And then there's this promoter (old lady so I felt bad lol ignoring her), she was kinda pushing me to buy this face wash so i thought why not. It's for the oily and acne-prone skin formula. And after using for 3 days, the small bumps on my right side of my face is getting smaller. I don't see any changes on the cystic acne but I wasn't expecting anything either. I also bought a clay mask from Nana, a friend of mine. I do feel like the mask was doing a good job at removing extra sebum in my pores so thumbs up for that. So that's all. I'm just gonna finish these 3 products and probably do an update after 2 months. Bye bye

Wherever I go

Tuesday, 21st March 2017, 6:32 p.m.

           Hi!! I'm back again with another post. This is my second post for this year since nothing much happened to me lol sorry for being such a boring person. So I got my full STPM result, which was 3.17. I got A(4.0) for BM, A-(3.67) for History, B(3.0) for General Studies and C(2.0) for Business (booooo!!). It was okay I guess, but probably not good enough for the tough courses *cough* law *cough*. My results qualifies me to apply law at UiTM, UniSZA and UUM, but I'm not sure if I'll ever get a call because the I'm pretty sure there'll be a pretty tough competition with other students from all around Malaysia. Other than law, I also applied for English Linguistics and International Relationship. Some people looked down upon me because the courses that I applied wasn't prestigious enough I guess (also my result wasn't that great, at least not for them.)? But I'm not gonna let it mess with my decisions. I know what I'm doing for my own future, and I'm gonna shape it the way that I want it to be.

          Last week I went to Ipoh to visit my grandparents. To be frank, it was boring, but I'm glad that I was able to help my grandparents while I was there. Fourth day of staying in Ipoh, I couldn't take it anymore so I had to book an online bus ticket so I could go back to Temerloh on Saturday. I'm an ass, really. But I was really sad when I left. If I had someone to teman me there, I'd probably stay longer, honestly. Maybe next time I'll come with someone else and stay a little longer. Now I miss my hometown😭.

          Also, life has been hard on me lately. I don't really talk about it with people because I don't think anyone would truly understand, or care. I deal with it alone, I take lessons from it, I learn to control my thoughts and anger, and I strive to be a better person. But most of the time, I only cut people out of my life. I just couldn't deal with any nonsense anymore. I shouldnt do it, I should probably tolerate people more but it has been too much lately. Why dont I talk about it? Too personal, I guess. The more that I grow up, what I know is the only people that wouldn't leave my sorry ass is my family. I can't fake a smile, I suck at it the most. I dont take crap from people anymore and my life hasn't been better.

I don't know what to write about anymore because most of my thoughts are usually there but when I start to write they all disappear smh. Till next time!

A little update.

Tuesday, 24th January, 12.45 a.m.

          Hi. I decided to download a Blogger app on my phone for me to get easier access writing because I am terrible at it, obviously. I've decided to write it out here because it is easier than talking about it I guess. This is my first 2017 post and I have literally nothing to say because I've been a zombie in this house, lazing around having nothing to do. I started this habit of going to sleep late AND waking up late. It's terrible, I know. I'm trying to fix it by taking morning walks around the residential area but it has been raining crazily here. The Monsoon season is kind of fucked up, must be something related  to the global warming. The earth is getting old and wary. So I'll probably start my morning walk after the rain stops and the climate from hell comes.

          I'm getting my third semester's result this Thursday and I am totally freaked out by it. I have failed my Business papers for the last two semesters and I can't afford to fail another one because I can't repeat this one. Business has been makig my pointer drop because it is the ONLY paper that I did terribly along all these three semesters. I am forever regretting choosing Business over Geography. It makes no difference except for that I'm pretty sure I can do Geography better than Business. I miss school though. I miss my friends. The ones that I still talk to, and the ones that I don't. But I will never regret my decision for walking away from some people. It is for the best. 2016 has been a good year to me. Depressing, but also kind. I lost some people and I gained many. I just hope 2017 would be a little kinder and the adventures to be a little more exciting. I have more things to write but don't seem to remember the details for now. I am trying to update a little more so that I can go back and reread my own stories. Obviously I still suck at this. Till next time 🐘