The one that never expected anything in return.

Thursday, 24th January 2019

I had a best friend, that I loved dearly, with all of my heart. The one that was always there, when the world turned its back on me. When everything else seemed to fail, she was there, with its presence and comforting warmth. I still remember her smell, her calming purr, and her gentle gaze. She was my best friend for 8 years. 

In 2011, my parents brought home a stray cat, they found her at a restaurant. She was pregnant and sick, that when my parents brought her here, she accidentally pooped on my mum. We named her Comel. After adopting Comel, we had many other cats. But none of them were like Comel. Comel has a special place in my heart, it was as if we had this bond, that nobody could ever break. My sister hated the fact that I will always choose Comel over any cats in the house. Comel, unlike any other cats, was quite unlucky. She was sick a lot, and during those moments, I cried a lot too because I couldn't stand seeing her getting hurt, but I was with her for most of these unlucky moments. We've had each other's backs. I've always told my family that I hope, when the day Comel finally choose to leave the world, I hope I wasn't there. I can't watch her leave me, I can't watch her get hurt. And she did. She left when I was in Puchong. My mum cried horribly, I was numb. And when the reality finally hit me, I cried, like a baby. Now, at times when things get hard, or when I am simply lonely, I think of her. And I still cry like she was gone yesterday.

During her time living with me, even though we faced many hardships, I managed to pull through because Comel was always there, every single time. Whenever I was feeling down, Comel was there, comforting me with her soft purrs. Naturally, she just knew when to be there for me. She will come up to my room, lay beside me or on my stomach. And just be there till the next morning. No unnecessary noise and words, she was just... there. She was the big sister I never had. She was the best friend that I truly had. 

I miss having you around Comel, things are really hard for me right now. Why don't you have a talk with the one up there, huh buddy? Tell him that I desperately need a break. Thank you for all the sweet memories, and for being the one that never expected anything in return. 

Life's way of getting back at ME

Monday, 21st January 2019.

           Helloooo, first blog update of the year. Today is my mum's birthday. I bought her a piece of cake yesterday, it was Oreo cheesecake. I was too broke and the piece that I bought was using my last note. I made her a chocolate cake today, using a recipe from Youtube but it turned out to be too freakin sweet. Oh, and finals sucked. Pretty sure I flunked my Equity and Trusts paper. I hope I won't fail the paper...

         Anywayyy, the topic today is on life's way of getting back at us. Or at least me. I'm really THAT unlucky lol. So, like, I've been noticing like life is really that bitch. She will always get in my way whenever I'm confident that I'm gonna pave my way through. I was crossing my fingers that 2019 was going to be my year, and on the first day of 2019, I sprained my ankle and couldn't walk properly for 2 fucking weeks. I don't really ask much but life's really out here fucking me up left and right. Now I just finished watching The Blind Side and it was good. Made me tear up a little bit and all that I can say is Michael went through a lot of shit, and he was lucky that someone came to save him. But who's gonna save me? I know it's unhealthy to be crying for help and expecting people to come and save you as if they owe you something but you know, it would be nice to know that someone has your back if things get fucked up and assures you that it's okay, you're gonna be fine. 

          I'm gonna keep holding on for now because of my parents. I know they'll be sad if I'm gone and I still have to take care of my sister. At least they're my reasons of holding on right now. I don't know my purpose here. Also, I noticed that I judge people a lot. I like to analize people's attitude. I keep mental receipts and I'm always cynical internally. I'm still nice to everyone around me but part of me feels like I'm a hypocrite for pretending that I care, because I know most of them are full of shit. I pick fights with people whenever I feel like they're crossing the line. And the line is very thin because this sis gets ticked off very easily. I hate being petty but I hate to let people do whatever they want just because I seemed like the cool friend/cousin/niece because I rarely respond to shit. But whenever I do, they get surprised. But at some point, life will always have a way in showing that I am wrong. Sometimes guilt eats me alive. I hate being a paradox.