Existence

Wednesday, 24th May 2017, 11:29 p.m.
         
            Assalamualaikum and hello! So before I started writing up this post, I saw a conversation on Twitter about an atheist girl questioning if there really was Heaven or Hell. Sure, it was written in the Quran and Bible, but really, who, like right now, can confirm that there's really Heaven and Hell? I used to question this for quite a long time. I prayed since I was a kid, but I didn't really put my heart in to it. All I know that I was praying to God, because we were obligated to do it 5 times a day. Also because my parents told me to. When I was a kid, I used to pretend to pray, and I locked myself in my room and just do anything except for praying.
         
           It continued for quite some time until I was fifteen. I started to pray because I feel like I needed help for PMR. In my understanding, we pray because we need to ask something from Allah. I prayed only for that sole reason.  I didn't think it was wrong, because my heart wasn't really into it, but I tried. When I turned 16, it was like a trend for people to become 'Islamic'. It was hip, everyone wants to wear a niqab and uses Arabic phrases such as ana, anta, ukhwah, zauj etc., as if it's cool lol. So I wanted to fit in too, I wore handsocks and socks to cover my aurah, I followed Islamic pages and joined WhatsApp groups. But after awhile, I got annoyed. All they did was talk about early marriage, love after marriage. Everything was about marriage, as if it was the most Islamic thing to do. I also kind of pushed one of my friends to cover her aurah, just to make myself feel better. You know, that superior feeling that you feel when you have something that nobody else does? I still feel bad about it. What I did was not dakwah, it was just pure ego. At this time of age too, my mental health was at its worst. I get anxieties everyday, I get panic attacts at random moments and I only rely on God. It was the only time when nobody else in the world could be there for me, not even when they offer themselves to. I started to realize, this is why I need God. He's the one for me when nobody else was. Sure, anybody can choose what they want to believe in, and in my case, it happens to be Allah, and I couldn't be even more grateful. When I was 17, I calmed down a little. I was glad that I have friends to remind me that I ain't shit and I don't have to shove my beliefs down other peoples throats. Also, I started to fully pray. I don't skip anymore. Also because I have a big exam that year. I have two reasons for me right now, reasons why I believe in God.

          So, when I turn 18, it was alright. I didn't have the need to question. My was in my small circle so my thoughts weren't distracted or corrupted. Things changed when I turned 19. I made a Twitter account. I met a lot of people, the ones who believe in God and the ones who don't. All of them helped me to question, is there even a God? I was sceptical, I questioned everything, I wasn't sure about what I was doing anymore. One of the main reasons was that my life turned out to be so shitty, I wanted to die everyday. I asked God everyday, what did I do to deserve this kind of hardship? I didn't get my answers. I spend everyday questioning and couldn't find the answers. My heart was never at ease. One day, I felt this sudden urge to listen Quran. I was feeling quite at ease again. I started to pray for no reason, just because I wanted to feel the presence of Allah again, the feeling that I haven't felt for such a long, long time. Now, I still believe in God and his creations, the ones that we can't see with our own eyes. However, I try very hard everyday not to treat others differently, just because the don't share the same faith as me, or do the things that I don't. I mean sure, a human's  deeds  is the only thing that matters to Allah. But somehow I feel, Allah is not that petty. He is full of mercy, love and care. No matter how much we turn away from Him, I believe that His love is greater than  our sins.