My thoughts on love

Sunday, 29/11/15, 9.20 p.m.


          So i haven't been writing for quite a long time, busy life ey. Anddddd i have no idea about what i should write in here. So i was reading a novel, If I Stay, and there's this part when the author gave her own idea of falling in love and made me think about my own opinion about love.

          So lately, when my friends talked about marriage, i keep giving them responses like 'i'm not going to get married.' And no, i'm not saying this just because i don't have a boyfriend. Even by the thought of having a boyfriend scares me, i don't want my heart to be broken by anyone. Or maybe i'm just a little pessimistic, but i am not ready for any kinds of relationship. I am not ready for commitments, to be sharing my feelings with anyone. I do admire other people, like my heart flutters when i see them, but they only remain as a crush. I never consider admiration as a sign of love. Love is a very strong word. I am still struggling with the idea of loving myself, so how can i have the time to be loving someone else? Maybe the time is not right yet for me to be talking about relationships and stuff. It just doesn't feel right, for me. Marriage seems a little too complicated for me. I want to focus on what matters most, my future. I want to graduate, get a stable job and then to a point where I can support myself, even when I have nobody in this world, I can still depend on myself. But if that someone comes along the way, I'd be glad to accept him. It's just a bit too much for me to think about things like this right now.

         We are not the same. we understand things differently but that doesn't make us different from being humans. Maybe my acceptance on love is far behind others' but that doesn't mean that i'm against people who are in love, or people who craves to be loved. I mean, okay, maybe one day I'll really fall in love. That's cool. Maybe I'll eventually find myself a soulmate and we get married and have children. But now, my mind is too distracted to be feeling these kind of things.

But maybe, just maybe, if i were to have a connection with that special person, i'd probably fall for him like gravity has let go of the earth.

Not that this is an important matter...

4/6/15, 11:48 p.m
I have the sudden urge to explain things, or to elaborate what I'm feeling inside (not that people care). But anyway, every time that I feel people are misjudging me, or trying to say that they 'know' me so well makes my insides boil, like literally and my ears will become so hot it could burn.

          So, what I'm trying to say is, I am not the same everyday. Some days I can be very sweet and the others I can be bitter. I can also be so positive and the next second I can turn into a mental pessimist. I can starve myself for 12 hours straight(many of us can, duh) and I can eat everything at once. I can act all girly and nice, and the next day I'm the bitchiest person alive. Just because we don't do the same things that we usually do, it doesn't make us a different person. That sentence is so confusing but whatever.

         I'm not a walking paradox, I'm just trying my best to be myself and I can't see any problem with that, because I'm not the only one who deal with these kind of things. Because obviously, the world doesn't revolve around any of us. So what I'm trying to say is : MIND YOUR OWN FREAKING BUSINESS AND STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU PEASANT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU HUMANS

Just kidding.

P/s: stop judging and thinking that you know people so well and yeah, start loving them for who they are. Much love xx


15/3/15, 8.34 p.m.

Well holla fellow blessed earthlings! (As if people are reading my blog but wtv)

           This week has been hectic, and it is going to be for the rest of these 3 months because I'm planning on working until the end of May. Here's the story. Last Wednesday I waited for 6 hours for my turn on the driving test and they have NO idea how freaked out we were while waiting for our turns like oh gosh I had 6 hours of adrenaline rush!!!! And alhamdulillah I passed. Hahah I still can't believe it until now hahahahaha

          And while I waited, I got a text from my tuition teacher saying she needed help for her nasi kukus stall. So I accepted the job. And yeah its kind of tiring, but I don't mind since I don't have anything to do even if I stay at my house. So my work starts at 10 a.m-2 p.m, arranging the tables, and fill up the tiny pots for nasi kukus (totally no idea of what're the name of those things) and wrapping the nasi kukus for customers. And sometimes I do small work like going to the store dekat depan and buy some stuff untuk masak and all.

          It's kind of fun you know, the idea of serving good things to people. It's not that tiring, really. I mean I get free food and drinks! Ngeheh. And after my Asr prayer I go back and wash the dishes. And that's the tiring part. But 2 jam je. Okay la tu. I mean there's nothing easy in this world. You're lucky if you get to have things easily and some people like us have to work our a$$es off for the things that we want. But that's okay. So I only work for 6 hours per day, and 5 days per week. It seems like 6 hours is not that long but idk man idk I feel like it takes the whole day. Maybe because sekejap sekejap kut? But I get to have holidays on Saturdays and Sundays! Wee :3

          I might get tired of serving people, I might get hurt by the treatments of others, I might have emotional breakdowns but it's all a part of life, and everything that has ever happened to us is actually moulding us into the person we are today, and in the future. Believe in Allah's plans, keep the positive vibes, keep the ones who make you feel glad that you're alive and stay away from the ones who don't. Be grateful for everything, good and bad things. Alhamdulillah for the things and people who turned me into who I am today, either good ones or not. I mean, I turned out to be so awesome right? Much love xx

Nervous nervous

9/3/15, 10:05 p.m.

          So today I got my last driving lesson, and the day after tomorrow I'll be taking my JPJ test. Huish gila tak nebes kakmah. But I'm very very thankful, alhamdulillah. Today I did quite okay, not being boastful or anything. I'm just grateful, Allah has heard my prayers. Some people might think that driving is so easy, why would I be making such a fuss about it? Well let's just say, I'm not that great at driving. And for the first time in my life, today I had fun driving. Like seriously.
          And yeah. Got my SPM results. 4As, 1B+, 3Cs and 1E((addmths UGH)). My BM haih. I wanted an A so so bad for that subject. Addmath sucked. And it still sucks. Boo. I'm not sure about furthering my studies, aish nak cakap cane eh, I WANT to study. If I get an offer, alhamdulillah, all praise to Allah. But the costs nowadays are so so expensive. I mean learning shouldn't be this hard. I'm thinking about continuing Form 6, since private universities need a lot money. And a lot means really A. LOT.  Yeah.

          And Alia is putting henna on my toe nails since she can't wear any because of her school's protocol. And I am so addicted to henna these days. My life will be so dull without her and my family. Sigh.

            May Allah grant us prosperity and happiness, and give us strength for the tests given. Aamin :) good night!

Talking about the future of a couch potato

   28/2/15  , 10.10 p.m.

       So. Am still freaking out about the result, and I still have about 3 days more less to keep feeling nervous about it. Yep. I started freaking today, from 2 a.m., my adrenaline started to pump out/release? (not sure if that's even logical) but yeah. I'm a nervous potato right now.

          Uhm, so after this adrenaline-wasting-phase, I will have to make some decisions. (Refer; decisions that are made right: it probably can make my life easier, or, wrong decisions: let's not talk about it.) And to even think about it, being an adult is hard. No no not complaining, just stating my opinion. Um. I know what I want to be, I can see the flow but you see, sometimes life can really be messed up. Yes I am the most skeptical human alive hohoho. Hah just kidding. (Haha?)

          I want to be a lawyer or an English teacher. I definitely lack of self-confidence. I'm not even sure if I'm capable of doing it. I mean, I'd love to try the adventurous life of being a lawyer; I started to have thoughts about being a lawyer when I found out that I am deeply obsessed in politics.

          And about being an English teacher? I'm not sure. Its just because I love the language, and I love to spread knowledge to people, eventhough most of the times people never understood the things that I explained to them because I simply suck at explaining things but hey, there are still many things to learn. There must be some teaching skills that I don't know and I can totally learn on how to do that. Kan?
          Still, I leave all the plans to Allah. Takpe kita usaha, and then terima everything as it is. That's how I understand the concept of tawakkul.   Hah look at me typing so much. Entah la nak. Fening la fening. I suck at writing conclusions in essays and yeah, I still suck. Assalamualaikum heheh