I'm having a baby!

26/08/2025, 4.18 pm

Today marks my 24th week of pregnancy. Pregnancy has been...interesting so far. We found out exactly 9 days after the day that I was supposed to get my period. We both cried (lol), mostly because we were afraid of the future, whether we'll be able to become good parents, whether we'll be able to provide for our baby comfortably. But despite all of our fears, we were so so happy. 

The first 8 weeks was okay, almost zero pregnancy sickness. However, all hell breaks loose on 9th week lol. I even threw up in the car on my way to work. Habis kena baju, tudung, pintu kereta and all. I can't even turn on the radio or else I'll barf. After the first barf incident I straight away bought a bin just for me to throw up in the car. The pregnancy sickness kind of(?) starting to go away at week 20, but I'll still occasionally throw up whenever I eat something 'berangin' like some Malays call it, anything spicy, anything oily and the list goes on and on and on... And don't get me started on the heartburns that I get everyday. We've spent hundreds on antacids alone! But I didn't mind all that. All I really want is a healthy and happy baby 😊 

We found out our baby's gender, and it's a boy! I found out during my monthly detailed scan at 16 weeks -- My baby needs frequent detailed scan because of my SLE, my antibodies could cross the placenta, interfering with the heart's system, inflammation etc and affect my baby's heart. However, during last week's detailed scan, the specialist was able to find all 4 chambers of my baby's heart, and reassured me that it's highly unlikely that my baby will develop any heart block at this point onwards. Alhamdulillah!

However, not so good news, I was told that my baby is smaller than his actual age. It actually scared me and I'm still hoping that my baby will grow healthily physically and mentally, aamiin. We'll see my baby's progress in another 3 weeks.

I wasn't intending on writing a blog post on this but I was studying on how to store EBM...and suddenly I'm writing here haha. I'm so happy now Ya Allah, I can't believe I've come this far. 

Can't wait to meet you and see you grow my little one 💓

Happy

 07/01/2025, 1.15p.m 

Hello there.

    It's been 4 years since my last post. A lot has changed. By a lot, I mean A LOT. I'm someone's wife now. I'm scared to show the world how happy I am, but I am the happiest I have ever been. Kinda funny how  my last post was about how worried I was on not having a soulmate because I have a chronic disease. But indeed, God is the greatest. I was gifted with a man that accepted me for who I am. 

    We got engaged after almost 2 years of knowing each other on 17/02/2024. How did we met? Yang tahu je tahu 🙈 It was a bit hectic preparing for the engagement because the decision was made last minute but we were able to make it happen. 

    Nine months after, I got married to the love of my life on 02/11/2024. I planned the whole wedding myself, phew. The way I was mentally scarred... I don't want to elaborate on that yet because the whole process kind of traumatized me but thankfully I had Luqman and he was so supportive throughout the whole process. Might make a separate post about the whole thing but we'll see...

    My husband, Luqman, is the kindest, sweetest soul. He doesn't raise his voice when he's angry, he takes care of me, makes me feel safe, the safest I've ever felt since I was little. I finally have someone I can rely on to now. Words can't even make up how grateful I am to have known & loved him. 

I am just happy.

I have to laugh

Sunday, 19th July 2020, 11.31 a.m.

          Well, hello. I am writing this in Ward Bunga Raya 2, Hospital Sultan Haji Ahmad Shah, Temerloh. Why? Oh, just the usual monthly lupus flare. 2020 has been so weird and mean to me. Before I started writing, I read through all my old posts and all I did was being sad and complained about my life. I guess God finally gave me something legit to complain about hahah. I just felt like my life is a series of unfortunate events lol

           So my last 2019 post was only about Comel. But actually 2019 was a brilliant year. The best year I've had so far. I did my mooting, got an A for that subject. Did not know I could present so well in front of a judge, my voice didn't shake. My anxious ass was surprised. I worked part-time at Xcape Taman Negara during my semester break. Started off doing housekeeping but they transferred me to the front-desk. Everyone, literally everyone was so nice to me. The best working experience I've had. Upgraded to a new phone using my salary. I got out of my comfort zone so much that I felt like a different person when I started my new semester. I was content, I was so happy in 2019. I thought it was going to last a little longer. 

read more

           Things turned out differently in 2020. I was feeling pretty hopeful, wondering whether 2020 was gonna be as amazing as my 2019. I started the first and second month of the year doing my internship at Temerloh High Court. I had fun doing my internship there too with Anishu. Started my new semester at the end of February. This is when things started to get worse for me. Like literally, I thought I was going to die.

          So, towards the end of February, I started developing a cough that doesn't go away. On 8th March, I went for volunteering at this one kenduri kahwin. It was so hot, and this is when shit started to get real. I think the hot weather triggered my SLE. After I got home from the kenduri, I started to get sick. Cough got worse, and I developed high fever. I was so weak so on the weekend, I went back to Temerloh because I thought I might go crazy if I don't see my family. I was really sick. Then to make things worse, the Covid-19 breakout happened.. I was sick, anxious, and depressed. I thought I caught the virus when I attended the kenduri. I was sick for an entire month, it was hell. I did the swab test twice, it came out negative. I was still sick, I couldn't even get up from my bed, I couldn't even see the sight of food, it makes me want to throw up. After my 4th time to the ED (lol) I finally got admitted. After a few days of admission, the doctors suspected me of having lupus. But it wasn't confirmed yet. I got discharged, was pretty happy, I thought I was healthy. 

Oh, no, how bold of me to think of that.

           I got sick again after a month. Prolonged fever and cough, started to lose appetite and weight again, not to mention that my whole body was aching like hell. I couldn't straighten nor bend my right arm, I couldn't wake up for the bed feeling like I my whole body got beaten up, literally. Everything hurts. Got admitted again, and the doctors confirmed of my SLE. My world became dark. I started to see the world differently. My plans for my future, my studies, everything. Never thought I was going to have a chronic illness so young. I've always made jokes about wanting to die but I guess God took my jokes literally. Careful what you wish for huhu. Now, after my 4th admission, maybe I've started to accept this illness. This time the doctors said there's a little fluid in my heart, and an infection. But I'm feeling better and ready to go home. I don't know, I'm still sad I guess. But I'm ready to share my illness with the world. But I get a little sad sometimes when people say stuff like "Oh, baru 23, muda lagi." Ya la makcik I never asked for this illness also. You think i can choose which year I want to catch a chronic illness ah.

             Man, now my chance at scoring a boyfriend is even slimmer. Nobody wants to date a sick person, right :( 

The one that never expected anything in return.

Thursday, 24th January 2019

I had a best friend, that I loved dearly, with all of my heart. The one that was always there, when the world turned its back on me. When everything else seemed to fail, she was there, with its presence and comforting warmth. I still remember her smell, her calming purr, and her gentle gaze. She was my best friend for 8 years. 

In 2011, my parents brought home a stray cat, they found her at a restaurant. She was pregnant and sick, that when my parents brought her here, she accidentally pooped on my mum. We named her Comel. After adopting Comel, we had many other cats. But none of them were like Comel. Comel has a special place in my heart, it was as if we had this bond, that nobody could ever break. My sister hated the fact that I will always choose Comel over any cats in the house. Comel, unlike any other cats, was quite unlucky. She was sick a lot, and during those moments, I cried a lot too because I couldn't stand seeing her getting hurt, but I was with her for most of these unlucky moments. We've had each other's backs. I've always told my family that I hope, when the day Comel finally choose to leave the world, I hope I wasn't there. I can't watch her leave me, I can't watch her get hurt. And she did. She left when I was in Puchong. My mum cried horribly, I was numb. And when the reality finally hit me, I cried, like a baby. Now, at times when things get hard, or when I am simply lonely, I think of her. And I still cry like she was gone yesterday.

During her time living with me, even though we faced many hardships, I managed to pull through because Comel was always there, every single time. Whenever I was feeling down, Comel was there, comforting me with her soft purrs. Naturally, she just knew when to be there for me. She will come up to my room, lay beside me or on my stomach. And just be there till the next morning. No unnecessary noise and words, she was just... there. She was the big sister I never had. She was the best friend that I truly had. 

I miss having you around Comel, things are really hard for me right now. Why don't you have a talk with the one up there, huh buddy? Tell him that I desperately need a break. Thank you for all the sweet memories, and for being the one that never expected anything in return. 

Life's way of getting back at ME

Monday, 21st January 2019.

           Helloooo, first blog update of the year. Today is my mum's birthday. I bought her a piece of cake yesterday, it was Oreo cheesecake. I was too broke and the piece that I bought was using my last note. I made her a chocolate cake today, using a recipe from Youtube but it turned out to be too freakin sweet. Oh, and finals sucked. Pretty sure I flunked my Equity and Trusts paper. I hope I won't fail the paper...

         Anywayyy, the topic today is on life's way of getting back at us. Or at least me. I'm really THAT unlucky lol. So, like, I've been noticing like life is really that bitch. She will always get in my way whenever I'm confident that I'm gonna pave my way through. I was crossing my fingers that 2019 was going to be my year, and on the first day of 2019, I sprained my ankle and couldn't walk properly for 2 fucking weeks. I don't really ask much but life's really out here fucking me up left and right. Now I just finished watching The Blind Side and it was good. Made me tear up a little bit and all that I can say is Michael went through a lot of shit, and he was lucky that someone came to save him. But who's gonna save me? I know it's unhealthy to be crying for help and expecting people to come and save you as if they owe you something but you know, it would be nice to know that someone has your back if things get fucked up and assures you that it's okay, you're gonna be fine. 

          I'm gonna keep holding on for now because of my parents. I know they'll be sad if I'm gone and I still have to take care of my sister. At least they're my reasons of holding on right now. I don't know my purpose here. Also, I noticed that I judge people a lot. I like to analize people's attitude. I keep mental receipts and I'm always cynical internally. I'm still nice to everyone around me but part of me feels like I'm a hypocrite for pretending that I care, because I know most of them are full of shit. I pick fights with people whenever I feel like they're crossing the line. And the line is very thin because this sis gets ticked off very easily. I hate being petty but I hate to let people do whatever they want just because I seemed like the cool friend/cousin/niece because I rarely respond to shit. But whenever I do, they get surprised. But at some point, life will always have a way in showing that I am wrong. Sometimes guilt eats me alive. I hate being a paradox.