Reconnecting with the Quran

Thursday, 18/09/2025

I grew up not having the best relationship with the Quran. I was taught the Muqaddam when I was around 5-6 years old. I kinda knew the basic arabic alphabets, but didn't know how to 'read' it. The first teacher who taught me to read the Quran technically didn't teach me how to read it, it was more to memorising. I remember memorising a few Quranic verses, but then I stopped memorising and now I can't remember most of it, only the short ones that I still read in my salah.

Then I actually joined classes when I was 10, read it until I was 12. Was not the best reader but I kinda knew how to read by that time. And then when I started high school, I was kinda distant with Quran. Nobody really told me to read it, I mean yeah I read Yassin once in a while, but I never actually finished the whole book. I still stutter when I read. 

Recently my husband insists that I should start reading the Quran again. It might be better for our baby. And I did. We started with surah Al-Mulk. When my husband asks me to recite the Al-Fatiha first, that's when my throat suddenly dried up. It felt like I was choking. I was so nervous because I haven't touched the Holy Book for the longest time. I cried at the first bismillah. And then we got started on the Al-Mulk. It took us almost 40 minutes to finish the whole surah, because I took time crying my eyes out. I wasn't really sure why I was so sad. But I was. Maybe because nobody really encouraged me to read the Quran, nor had the patience to wait for me when I stutter while I read. 

The sad feeling was the same feeling that I experienced when me and my husband first prayed together. It's something only my heart understands that my brain can't comprehend. My husband followed my reading pace, and I felt his love for me when he did that. He definitely can read a whole lot faster. But he waited patiently. He told me, we'll keep reading until I don't stutter anymore. If that's not love, I don't know what is. 

I'm having a baby!

26/08/2025, 4.18 pm

Today marks my 24th week of pregnancy. Pregnancy has been...interesting so far. We found out exactly 9 days after the day that I was supposed to get my period. We both cried (lol), mostly because we were afraid of the future, whether we'll be able to become good parents, whether we'll be able to provide for our baby comfortably. But despite all of our fears, we were so so happy. 

The first 8 weeks was okay, almost zero pregnancy sickness. However, all hell breaks loose on 9th week lol. I even threw up in the car on my way to work. Habis kena baju, tudung, pintu kereta and all. I can't even turn on the radio or else I'll barf. After the first barf incident I straight away bought a bin just for me to throw up in the car. The pregnancy sickness kind of(?) starting to go away at week 20, but I'll still occasionally throw up whenever I eat something 'berangin' like some Malays call it, anything spicy, anything oily and the list goes on and on and on... And don't get me started on the heartburns that I get everyday. We've spent hundreds on antacids alone! But I didn't mind all that. All I really want is a healthy and happy baby 😊 

We found out our baby's gender, and it's a boy! I found out during my monthly detailed scan at 16 weeks -- My baby needs frequent detailed scan because of my SLE, my antibodies could cross the placenta, interfering with the heart's system, inflammation etc and affect my baby's heart. However, during last week's detailed scan, the specialist was able to find all 4 chambers of my baby's heart, and reassured me that it's highly unlikely that my baby will develop any heart block at this point onwards. Alhamdulillah!

However, not so good news, I was told that my baby is smaller than his actual age. It actually scared me and I'm still hoping that my baby will grow healthily physically and mentally, aamiin. We'll see my baby's progress in another 3 weeks.

I wasn't intending on writing a blog post on this but I was studying on how to store EBM...and suddenly I'm writing here haha. I'm so happy now Ya Allah, I can't believe I've come this far. 

Can't wait to meet you and see you grow my little one 💓

Happy

 07/01/2025, 1.15p.m 

Hello there.

    It's been 4 years since my last post. A lot has changed. By a lot, I mean A LOT. I'm someone's wife now. I'm scared to show the world how happy I am, but I am the happiest I have ever been. Kinda funny how  my last post was about how worried I was on not having a soulmate because I have a chronic disease. But indeed, God is the greatest. I was gifted with a man that accepted me for who I am. 

    We got engaged after almost 2 years of knowing each other on 17/02/2024. How did we met? Yang tahu je tahu 🙈 It was a bit hectic preparing for the engagement because the decision was made last minute but we were able to make it happen. 

    Nine months after, I got married to the love of my life on 02/11/2024. I planned the whole wedding myself, phew. The way I was mentally scarred... I don't want to elaborate on that yet because the whole process kind of traumatized me but thankfully I had Luqman and he was so supportive throughout the whole process. Might make a separate post about the whole thing but we'll see...

    My husband, Luqman, is the kindest, sweetest soul. He doesn't raise his voice when he's angry, he takes care of me, makes me feel safe, the safest I've ever felt since I was little. I finally have someone I can rely on to now. Words can't even make up how grateful I am to have known & loved him. 

I am just happy.

I have to laugh

Sunday, 19th July 2020, 11.31 a.m.

          Well, hello. I am writing this in Ward Bunga Raya 2, Hospital Sultan Haji Ahmad Shah, Temerloh. Why? Oh, just the usual monthly lupus flare. 2020 has been so weird and mean to me. Before I started writing, I read through all my old posts and all I did was being sad and complained about my life. I guess God finally gave me something legit to complain about hahah. I just felt like my life is a series of unfortunate events lol

           So my last 2019 post was only about Comel. But actually 2019 was a brilliant year. The best year I've had so far. I did my mooting, got an A for that subject. Did not know I could present so well in front of a judge, my voice didn't shake. My anxious ass was surprised. I worked part-time at Xcape Taman Negara during my semester break. Started off doing housekeeping but they transferred me to the front-desk. Everyone, literally everyone was so nice to me. The best working experience I've had. Upgraded to a new phone using my salary. I got out of my comfort zone so much that I felt like a different person when I started my new semester. I was content, I was so happy in 2019. I thought it was going to last a little longer. 

read more

           Things turned out differently in 2020. I was feeling pretty hopeful, wondering whether 2020 was gonna be as amazing as my 2019. I started the first and second month of the year doing my internship at Temerloh High Court. I had fun doing my internship there too with Anishu. Started my new semester at the end of February. This is when things started to get worse for me. Like literally, I thought I was going to die.

          So, towards the end of February, I started developing a cough that doesn't go away. On 8th March, I went for volunteering at this one kenduri kahwin. It was so hot, and this is when shit started to get real. I think the hot weather triggered my SLE. After I got home from the kenduri, I started to get sick. Cough got worse, and I developed high fever. I was so weak so on the weekend, I went back to Temerloh because I thought I might go crazy if I don't see my family. I was really sick. Then to make things worse, the Covid-19 breakout happened.. I was sick, anxious, and depressed. I thought I caught the virus when I attended the kenduri. I was sick for an entire month, it was hell. I did the swab test twice, it came out negative. I was still sick, I couldn't even get up from my bed, I couldn't even see the sight of food, it makes me want to throw up. After my 4th time to the ED (lol) I finally got admitted. After a few days of admission, the doctors suspected me of having lupus. But it wasn't confirmed yet. I got discharged, was pretty happy, I thought I was healthy. 

Oh, no, how bold of me to think of that.

           I got sick again after a month. Prolonged fever and cough, started to lose appetite and weight again, not to mention that my whole body was aching like hell. I couldn't straighten nor bend my right arm, I couldn't wake up for the bed feeling like I my whole body got beaten up, literally. Everything hurts. Got admitted again, and the doctors confirmed of my SLE. My world became dark. I started to see the world differently. My plans for my future, my studies, everything. Never thought I was going to have a chronic illness so young. I've always made jokes about wanting to die but I guess God took my jokes literally. Careful what you wish for huhu. Now, after my 4th admission, maybe I've started to accept this illness. This time the doctors said there's a little fluid in my heart, and an infection. But I'm feeling better and ready to go home. I don't know, I'm still sad I guess. But I'm ready to share my illness with the world. But I get a little sad sometimes when people say stuff like "Oh, baru 23, muda lagi." Ya la makcik I never asked for this illness also. You think i can choose which year I want to catch a chronic illness ah.

             Man, now my chance at scoring a boyfriend is even slimmer. Nobody wants to date a sick person, right :( 

The one that never expected anything in return.

Thursday, 24th January 2019

I had a best friend, that I loved dearly, with all of my heart. The one that was always there, when the world turned its back on me. When everything else seemed to fail, she was there, with its presence and comforting warmth. I still remember her smell, her calming purr, and her gentle gaze. She was my best friend for 8 years. 

In 2011, my parents brought home a stray cat, they found her at a restaurant. She was pregnant and sick, that when my parents brought her here, she accidentally pooped on my mum. We named her Comel. After adopting Comel, we had many other cats. But none of them were like Comel. Comel has a special place in my heart, it was as if we had this bond, that nobody could ever break. My sister hated the fact that I will always choose Comel over any cats in the house. Comel, unlike any other cats, was quite unlucky. She was sick a lot, and during those moments, I cried a lot too because I couldn't stand seeing her getting hurt, but I was with her for most of these unlucky moments. We've had each other's backs. I've always told my family that I hope, when the day Comel finally choose to leave the world, I hope I wasn't there. I can't watch her leave me, I can't watch her get hurt. And she did. She left when I was in Puchong. My mum cried horribly, I was numb. And when the reality finally hit me, I cried, like a baby. Now, at times when things get hard, or when I am simply lonely, I think of her. And I still cry like she was gone yesterday.

During her time living with me, even though we faced many hardships, I managed to pull through because Comel was always there, every single time. Whenever I was feeling down, Comel was there, comforting me with her soft purrs. Naturally, she just knew when to be there for me. She will come up to my room, lay beside me or on my stomach. And just be there till the next morning. No unnecessary noise and words, she was just... there. She was the big sister I never had. She was the best friend that I truly had. 

I miss having you around Comel, things are really hard for me right now. Why don't you have a talk with the one up there, huh buddy? Tell him that I desperately need a break. Thank you for all the sweet memories, and for being the one that never expected anything in return. 

Life's way of getting back at ME

Monday, 21st January 2019.

           Helloooo, first blog update of the year. Today is my mum's birthday. I bought her a piece of cake yesterday, it was Oreo cheesecake. I was too broke and the piece that I bought was using my last note. I made her a chocolate cake today, using a recipe from Youtube but it turned out to be too freakin sweet. Oh, and finals sucked. Pretty sure I flunked my Equity and Trusts paper. I hope I won't fail the paper...

         Anywayyy, the topic today is on life's way of getting back at us. Or at least me. I'm really THAT unlucky lol. So, like, I've been noticing like life is really that bitch. She will always get in my way whenever I'm confident that I'm gonna pave my way through. I was crossing my fingers that 2019 was going to be my year, and on the first day of 2019, I sprained my ankle and couldn't walk properly for 2 fucking weeks. I don't really ask much but life's really out here fucking me up left and right. Now I just finished watching The Blind Side and it was good. Made me tear up a little bit and all that I can say is Michael went through a lot of shit, and he was lucky that someone came to save him. But who's gonna save me? I know it's unhealthy to be crying for help and expecting people to come and save you as if they owe you something but you know, it would be nice to know that someone has your back if things get fucked up and assures you that it's okay, you're gonna be fine. 

          I'm gonna keep holding on for now because of my parents. I know they'll be sad if I'm gone and I still have to take care of my sister. At least they're my reasons of holding on right now. I don't know my purpose here. Also, I noticed that I judge people a lot. I like to analize people's attitude. I keep mental receipts and I'm always cynical internally. I'm still nice to everyone around me but part of me feels like I'm a hypocrite for pretending that I care, because I know most of them are full of shit. I pick fights with people whenever I feel like they're crossing the line. And the line is very thin because this sis gets ticked off very easily. I hate being petty but I hate to let people do whatever they want just because I seemed like the cool friend/cousin/niece because I rarely respond to shit. But whenever I do, they get surprised. But at some point, life will always have a way in showing that I am wrong. Sometimes guilt eats me alive. I hate being a paradox. 

Holding on

Tuesday, 11 December 2018

            Hello, second blog update of the year. I've been so busy that I sometimes forget that I have a blog. I'm writing here so that I could remember the things that I went through and feel grateful if things were to get better for me. So, I'm in my third semester now in law school. Week 14 to be exact. This semester is one hell of a ride, I swear. Oh, I'm writing this because I've been trying to ignore my Criminal Law assignment lol. So, this semester is the last semester that I have to take co-curriculum and third language. I hate them both because they're a pain in the ass and irrelevant. Thank god it's over now.

            Anyway, I was already in extreme sadness before the semester starts because I didn't get into the hostel. My family is in a tight spot financially and I really can't afford to rent a room. But then I just decided to do it because I was pretty sure even if I make a second application, the hostel would reject it. I'm tired of being anxious every time I have to wait for the results. I told my mum and dad that I would pay my own rent and bills. And I did it without any failure, expect for this one month. BECAUSE MY LAPTOP BROKE DOWN. Just so that I won't forget, it's not my fault. A friend of mine drank water from my water bottle and didn't close the lid properly, and then... you know what happens next. What frustrated me was that person didn't even know about it. Because even if I told them, I'm pretty sure they would ask me 'why did you drink in front of an electronic device??" But in all honesty, I will choose to suffer you know. Money has been a serious issue for me this semester. I pay my own rent and bills, and I don't get to eat whatever I want like I did in the previous semesters. Sometimes I even contemplate whether I should buy a bottle of mineral water because I'm on a tight budget.

            I'm not sure when will this end or will it EVER end. I'm really tired of thinking about money every day when I wake up. When I look at my friends who don't even have to go through this pain that I have to go through, it pains me. This journey feels lonely. I know it's not good to complain, but i'm tired. I'm still grateful for all the other things in my life, but this money issue has been dragging me down so bad, that sometimes I can't even think of ways to live. Sometimes I can't even bring myself to be happy because if I do, something bad will happen to me. I used to believe that it is always darkest before the dawn but my night seems to be very long and cold. 

2018

Thursday, 5 July 2018

Omg i haven't updated my blog for a year already. So many things has changed since the last post. In early June 2017 I got an offer letter to go for an interview at UiTM law school which had me shook, because I always thought I was going to UUM for my legal studies. I put UiTM in my first choice because I thought nehhh probably not going to get that spot but bihhhh life proved me wrong hahah. Survived through the interview and here I am, already done with my second semester. It's quite tough, went through depression in my first semester, wanting to die everyday, questioned my self-worth and credibility, am I smart enough to be here, am I brave enough to face this for 4 years, something like that. It changed after the semester ends, in second semester I met a counselor, talked about it. I finally got control over my depression. It might come back when things get worse. I don't know.

I can't believe that my dreams to enter law school has finally come true. My main dream since I was 16. I always thought I wasn't going to be able to make it but what's meant to be will be.

Also, if any of you have read my previous post saying that I'm okay with not being in a relationship or whatever, my views have changed, can somebody love me now because this sis gets really lonely sometimes, especially when I have to take Grab to go places and pay for it. Damn, boys with cars are so hot :(

Anyway, for these past few years of ups and downs there is only one thing that I can say to myself: No matter how shitty life gets, just go through with it. You have no other choice but to go through with it. That's what going to make you tough and appreciate life more. It's only gonna get worse before it becomes better.

bleh

Sunday, 21st May 2017, 9.33 p.m.

          lol I'm updating a post on my dying laptop so lets hope I can finish this post before it dies. So last two months I did an update about my skin condition, and honestly it has gotten so much better but the right side of my face is starting to break out, it only used to have whiteheads and it was gone after 4-5 of Oxy10 application. It was hella drying though. Turns out my skin was allergic to Tea Tree Oil. Once I stopped using Aiken's moisturizer and toner, I don't have whiteheads anymore. The reason I have acne on the right side of my face was because I wasn't taking care of it well enough. There were blackheads(leftovers of the whiteheads) on my cheek so I kinda played with it and I tried to dig it out(dumb) and my skin was irritated. Plus, I didn't wash my hands first so it was the biggest cause. So kids, don't touch your face with dirty hands, or just don't touch them at all unless you're washing it. Also, I bought few skincare products like face wash, face scrub and facemasks. Right now, I'm currently using Calmia Oatmeal Therapy Cleansing Foam, it doesn't do much but it is gentle on my skin. Since my skin is super oily, this face wash suits my skin. I don't think it will suit people who has dry skin because it can be quite drying. I've been using my apricot scrub, but I will mix it with my Innisfree Jeju Volcanic Scrub Foam since the apricot scrub is quite harsh and the volcanic scrub is too gentle for my liking. I will always feel refreshed after scrubbing my face with those two products. I love to apply clay mask on my face after that and followed by normal face masks. Overall, my skin is getting better but I still have a long way to go to achieve clear skin. I need to be careful to not touch my face and make sure that my skin is always clean.

         So, enough with my skin story, I am currently sonervous because I need to check if I'm gonna get a call for interview tonight on UPU. What time will they open their website? Eleven fifty-nine freaking PM. One minute before midnight. Is this some kind of government-trolling style? I really want an interview, but I don't think I'll be able to achieve a high score or blow the interviewers away lol I am a basic person :( I think I know shit when I actually don't). So I kinda hope I get the courses which doesn't need interviews because um,,, I KINDA SUCK. But if I do get one, I hope that I will do my best and don't f it up, honestly. Please pray for me and my future!

Skin problems

Wednesday, 22 March 2017, 8:52 p.m.

          Okay so this is a quick update about my skin condition right now. My skin is suddenly breaking out, for several reasons. First, I tried 3 new products after I stopped using DNARS day cream for sensitive skin. The reason I stopped buying it because it has harmful ingredients for our skin. So I bought the Garnier toner, I forgot the name because I already gave it to my friend, the colour of the bottle is yellow. It didn't suit my skin because the formula is milky, and my skin is oily. So whenever I apply it, my skin feels sticky and it's just plain disgusting, really. And the second product that I bought was Himalaya Almond and Cucumber Peel-Off Mask, also caused my skin to have a little reaction, small pimples here and there. And the third product was a face scrub from EverSoft. I'm not gonna assume that this was the cause of my acne breakout but it didn't help it become better either. I also read that apricot face scrubs are too harsh for your face, it might break the moisture barrier of your skin. That's probably it because my skin continued to freak out after that.

           After a few weeks, few cystic acne starts to come out. First, a few on my forehead. Then, my eyebrows got attacked with a bunch of em. Tragic. Hurts like hell too. And then this one week, last month to be exact, I started to over-consume cheese because my parents bought a lot haha (regretting it). I don't usually take dairy-based products because I don't like milk, they're nasty. I also don't usually eat dairy chocolate so my body totally freaked out after I consumed a lot of cheese. So, I tried a few products here and there.

          First I bought Aiken toner and moisturizer. I didn't really like the toner because IT FREAKING STINGS MY SMOL EYES. The moisturizer was okay, am still using it. Nothing really changed but it gives a decent moisture to my oily skin so that's good. Probably not gonna repurchase it though. And then I started consuming vitamin C, got it from Watsons, RM29.90 for 60 tablets. SOUR AF. But my black-ish scars are starting to fade slowly. Definitely going to repurchase. And then I stopped using D'Herbs' Papaya Soap because I think it's also doing no good for my skin. And I stopped washing my face for a while and I used honey as a face wash.

         So three days ago I bought a local drugstore face wash, called Safi Oxywhite. I wasn't planning on buying it though, I was just looking for a mild face wash since I feel disgusted for not washing my face. Icky. And then there's this promoter (old lady so I felt bad lol ignoring her), she was kinda pushing me to buy this face wash so i thought why not. It's for the oily and acne-prone skin formula. And after using for 3 days, the small bumps on my right side of my face is getting smaller. I don't see any changes on the cystic acne but I wasn't expecting anything either. I also bought a clay mask from Nana, a friend of mine. I do feel like the mask was doing a good job at removing extra sebum in my pores so thumbs up for that. So that's all. I'm just gonna finish these 3 products and probably do an update after 2 months. Bye bye

Wherever I go

Tuesday, 21st March 2017, 6:32 p.m.

           Hi!! I'm back again with another post. This is my second post for this year since nothing much happened to me lol sorry for being such a boring person. So I got my full STPM result, which was 3.17. I got A(4.0) for BM, A-(3.67) for History, B(3.0) for General Studies and C(2.0) for Business (booooo!!). It was okay I guess, but probably not good enough for the tough courses *cough* law *cough*. My results qualifies me to apply law at UiTM, UniSZA and UUM, but I'm not sure if I'll ever get a call because the I'm pretty sure there'll be a pretty tough competition with other students from all around Malaysia. Other than law, I also applied for English Linguistics and International Relationship. Some people looked down upon me because the courses that I applied wasn't prestigious enough I guess (also my result wasn't that great, at least not for them.)? But I'm not gonna let it mess with my decisions. I know what I'm doing for my own future, and I'm gonna shape it the way that I want it to be.

          Last week I went to Ipoh to visit my grandparents. To be frank, it was boring, but I'm glad that I was able to help my grandparents while I was there. Fourth day of staying in Ipoh, I couldn't take it anymore so I had to book an online bus ticket so I could go back to Temerloh on Saturday. I'm an ass, really. But I was really sad when I left. If I had someone to teman me there, I'd probably stay longer, honestly. Maybe next time I'll come with someone else and stay a little longer. Now I miss my hometown😭.

          Also, life has been hard on me lately. I don't really talk about it with people because I don't think anyone would truly understand, or care. I deal with it alone, I take lessons from it, I learn to control my thoughts and anger, and I strive to be a better person. But most of the time, I only cut people out of my life. I just couldn't deal with any nonsense anymore. I shouldnt do it, I should probably tolerate people more but it has been too much lately. Why dont I talk about it? Too personal, I guess. The more that I grow up, what I know is the only people that wouldn't leave my sorry ass is my family. I can't fake a smile, I suck at it the most. I dont take crap from people anymore and my life hasn't been better.

I don't know what to write about anymore because most of my thoughts are usually there but when I start to write they all disappear smh. Till next time!

A little update.

Tuesday, 24th January, 12.45 a.m.

          Hi. I decided to download a Blogger app on my phone for me to get easier access writing because I am terrible at it, obviously. I've decided to write it out here because it is easier than talking about it I guess. This is my first 2017 post and I have literally nothing to say because I've been a zombie in this house, lazing around having nothing to do. I started this habit of going to sleep late AND waking up late. It's terrible, I know. I'm trying to fix it by taking morning walks around the residential area but it has been raining crazily here. The Monsoon season is kind of fucked up, must be something related  to the global warming. The earth is getting old and wary. So I'll probably start my morning walk after the rain stops and the climate from hell comes.

          I'm getting my third semester's result this Thursday and I am totally freaked out by it. I have failed my Business papers for the last two semesters and I can't afford to fail another one because I can't repeat this one. Business has been makig my pointer drop because it is the ONLY paper that I did terribly along all these three semesters. I am forever regretting choosing Business over Geography. It makes no difference except for that I'm pretty sure I can do Geography better than Business. I miss school though. I miss my friends. The ones that I still talk to, and the ones that I don't. But I will never regret my decision for walking away from some people. It is for the best. 2016 has been a good year to me. Depressing, but also kind. I lost some people and I gained many. I just hope 2017 would be a little kinder and the adventures to be a little more exciting. I have more things to write but don't seem to remember the details for now. I am trying to update a little more so that I can go back and reread my own stories. Obviously I still suck at this. Till next time 🐘

Death

4.34 p.m., Friday, 27th August 2016.

           A very devastating event happened to me today. I have lost my baby cat, Comot's first kitten. We were rushing to go to the bank and pay for my dad's phone bills. When my mother reversed the car, we accidentally hit the baby cat. I have never experienced this before, this kind of sadness. Of course we've experienced our cats' death, but not like this. I can't stop crying because I was so shocked. We will usually check if there were any cats under the car, but we were too rushed to do that. I feel terrible, so terrible that I can't stop crying for the whole evening.

          However, while I was cleaning my front porch (while crying a river) I tried to remember  if I did anything wrong to the cat. I don't want him go while being upset with me, and that's when I learned a very important lesson in life. We don't have to wait for someone to be gone for us to realize our mistakes to them. We must remember people's kindness for us to keep treating them right, not counting their mistakes and to not take them for granted. How I wish I could turn back time and treat it better.

But death waits for nobody.

The One

7/2/2016, 7.07 a.m

Imagine something crazy for me, quickly.

What if you peered into a fortune ball right now – this very second, today – and saw with indisputable clarity that you were never going to meet the love of your life?

That’s a sad thing that I’m asking you to think of, I’m aware. You’ve been hoping to meet “The One” for a while now – or at least someone half-decent who you can deal with for the rest of your life. I know, I know. You’re not fanciful like everyone else. You don’t believe in soul mates. But you were expecting to meet someone you liked a fair amount. Someone to curl up next to at the end of a long day, who would take care of you when you got sick and listen to your stories every evening after work. We all hope that. We’re human.


But imagine for a second that you knew – with 100% certainty – that you were never going to meet that person. What about your life would that knowledge change?


Because here’s the thing about finding love – it affects us constantly. And we all loathe admitting it. But love is on the forefront of our actions even when it’s not on the forefront of our minds. It’s the reason you bought those new jeans last week. It’s the reason you went to that barbeque that you didn’t want to go to last weekend. It’s the reason you sometimes feel cripplingly insecure and inadequate and scared about everything that’s coming next. Love’s what inspires most of your greatest changes.

So if you knew, with indisputable certainty, that love was never going to be yours, how would you live your life differently? What about your daily routine would you alter? What about your long-term plans?

Your first inclination may be to say “Nothing.” After all, you’re a smart person. You have plans that don’t involve someone else’s influence. We all do. But ponder it a few moments more. Because here’s what we don’t want to admit about love: it is a crutch that we use all the time. The idea that someday somebody will love all our flaws is a subtle excuse not to work on them. The principle of two halves making a whole restrains us from becoming our own better half. We want someone to swoop in during our darkest hour and save us, but what if we knew they never would? We’d have to start doing everything differently.

If you knew that love would never be an option for you, what would be? How would you structure the rest of your life? Would it have a heavier focus on career, a stronger inclination toward success? Or would you use the time to invest in yourself – go on a few more vacations, travel further outside your comfort zone? If you knew that you would never again feel the rush of budding romance, where would you turn to for your thrills? How would you get your blood pumping?

And what about your other relationships – would they suddenly take on more weight? Would you spend more time appreciating your family, if you knew that they are the people who will have loved you the most strongly at the end of your life? What about your friendships? Would you nurture and care more for the people who love you platonically if you knew that nobody would ever love you romantically? Would you show up a little more often, share a little more of your life?

My inclination is to believe that never finding love would be a game-changer for most of us. One we’d initially consider to be devastating but may eventually realize is the ultimate liberation. Without the fear of ending up alone, the opportunities open to you would become endless. You could live on every continent. You could scale the corporate ladder. You could go back to school and get that degree you’ve always felt interested in, without worrying about the financial burden your debt may place on somebody else. Love holds us back in an infinite amount of subtle ways that perhaps we do not even realize. And the guarantee of its absence may just be the ultimate sense of liberation.

Because if we didn’t have to search for the love of our lives, we would finally be free to realize that we are allowed to be the loves of our own. That we can spend our lives developing ourselves, challenging ourselves, pampering ourselves and building ourselves up to be bigger, more capable people than we ever once hoped to become. We could become everything we’ve been searching for. We could construct our soul mates in ourselves.

If there’s one thing we all need to stop doing, it’s waiting around for someone else to show up and change our lives. Just be the person you’ve been waiting for. Live your life as if you are the love of it. Because that’s the only thing you know for sure – that through every triumph, every failure, every fear and every gain that you will ever experience until the day you die, you are going to be present. You are going to be the person who shows up to accept your rewards. You are going to be the person who holds your own hand when you’re broken. You are going to be the person who gets yourself up off the floor every time you get knocked down and if those things are not love-of-your-life qualities, I don’t know what are.

We have to start appreciating all that we bring to our own lives. Because the ironic truth is, you are most attractive when you’re not worried about who you’re attracting. When you’re living your life confidently, freely and without restraint, you emit the kind of energy that it just isn’t possible to fake. The kind of energy that’s capable of transforming not just your own life, but the lives of people around you.

So stop looking for The One to spend the rest of your life with. Be The One.

And let everybody else come searching for you.n

Read This If You’re Worried That You’ll
Never Find ‘The One’


By: Heidi Priebi in thoughtcatalog.com

My thoughts on love

Sunday, 29/11/15, 9.20 p.m.

Heyyoooo

          So i haven't been writing for quite a long time, busy life ey. Anddddd i have no idea about what i should write in here. So i was reading a novel, If I Stay, and there's this part when the author gave her own idea of falling in love and made me think about my own opinion about love.

          So lately, when my friends talked about marriage, i keep giving them responses like 'i'm not going to get married.' And no, i'm not saying this just because i don't have a boyfriend. Even by the thought of having a boyfriend scares me, i don't want my heart to be broken by anyone. Or maybe i'm just a little pessimistic, but i am not ready for any kinds of relationship. I am not ready for commitments, to be sharing my feelings with anyone. I do admire other people, like my heart flutters when i see them, but they only remain as a crush. I never consider admiration as a sign of love. Love is a very strong word. I am still struggling with the idea of loving myself, so how can i have the time to be loving someone else? Maybe the time is not right yet for me to be talking about relationships and stuff. It just doesn't feel right, for me. Marriage seems a little too complicated for me. I want to focus on what matters most, my future. I want to graduate, get a stable job and then to a point where I can support myself, even when I have nobody in this world, I can still depend on myself. But if that someone comes along the way, I'd be glad to accept him. It's just a bit too much for me to think about things like this right now.

         We are not the same. we understand things differently but that doesn't make us different from being humans. Maybe my acceptance on love is far behind others' but that doesn't mean that i'm against people who are in love, or people who craves to be loved. I mean, okay, maybe one day I'll really fall in love. That's cool. Maybe I'll eventually find myself a soulmate and we get married and have children. But now, my mind is too distracted to be feeling these kind of things.


But maybe, just maybe, if i were to have a connection with that special person, i'd probably fall for him like gravity has let go of the earth.

Not that this is an important matter...

4/6/15, 11:48 p.m

I have the sudden urge to explain things, or to elaborate what I'm feeling inside (not that people care). But anyway, every time that I feel people are misjudging me, or trying to say that they 'know' me so well makes my insides boil, like literally and my ears will become so hot it could burn.

          So, what I'm trying to say is, I am not the same everyday. Some days I can be very sweet and the others I can be bitter. I can also be so positive and the next second I can turn into a mental pessimist. I can starve myself for 12 hours straight(many of us can, duh) and I can eat everything at once. I can act all girly and nice, and the next day I'm the bitchiest person alive. Just because we don't do the same things that we usually do, it doesn't make us a different person. That sentence is so confusing but whatever.

         I'm not a walking paradox, I'm just trying my best to be myself and I can't see any problem with that, because I'm not the only one who deal with these kind of things. Because obviously, the world doesn't revolve around any of us. So what I'm trying to say is : MIND YOUR OWN FREAKING BUSINESS AND STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU PEASANT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU HUMANS

Just kidding.

P/s: stop judging and thinking that you know people so well and yeah, start loving them for who they are. Much love xx

Gratitude

15/3/15, 8.34 p.m.

         

Well holla fellow blessed earthlings! (As if people are reading my blog but wtv)

           This week has been hectic, and it is going to be for the rest of these 3 months because I'm planning on working until the end of May. Here's the story. Last Wednesday I waited for 6 hours for my turn on the driving test and they have NO idea how freaked out we were while waiting for our turns like oh gosh I had 6 hours of adrenaline rush!!!! And alhamdulillah I passed. Hahah I still can't believe it until now hahahahaha

          And while I waited, I got a text from my tuition teacher saying she needed help for her nasi kukus stall. So I accepted the job. And yeah its kind of tiring, but I don't mind since I don't have anything to do even if I stay at my house. So my work starts at 10 a.m-2 p.m, arranging the tables, and fill up the tiny pots for nasi kukus (totally no idea of what're the name of those things) and wrapping the nasi kukus for customers. And sometimes I do small work like going to the store dekat depan and buy some stuff untuk masak and all.

          It's kind of fun you know, the idea of serving good things to people. It's not that tiring, really. I mean I get free food and drinks! Ngeheh. And after my Asr prayer I go back and wash the dishes. And that's the tiring part. But 2 jam je. Okay la tu. I mean there's nothing easy in this world. You're lucky if you get to have things easily and some people like us have to work our a$$es off for the things that we want. But that's okay. So I only work for 6 hours per day, and 5 days per week. It seems like 6 hours is not that long but idk man idk I feel like it takes the whole day. Maybe because sekejap sekejap kut? But I get to have holidays on Saturdays and Sundays! Wee :3

          I might get tired of serving people, I might get hurt by the treatments of others, I might have emotional breakdowns but it's all a part of life, and everything that has ever happened to us is actually moulding us into the person we are today, and in the future. Believe in Allah's plans, keep the positive vibes, keep the ones who make you feel glad that you're alive and stay away from the ones who don't. Be grateful for everything, good and bad things. Alhamdulillah for the things and people who turned me into who I am today, either good ones or not. I mean, I turned out to be so awesome right? Much love xx

Nervous nervous

9/3/15, 10:05 p.m.

          So today I got my last driving lesson, and the day after tomorrow I'll be taking my JPJ test. Huish gila tak nebes kakmah. But I'm very very thankful, alhamdulillah. Today I did quite okay, not being boastful or anything. I'm just grateful, Allah has heard my prayers. Some people might think that driving is so easy, why would I be making such a fuss about it? Well let's just say, I'm not that great at driving. And for the first time in my life, today I had fun driving. Like seriously.

         
          And yeah. Got my SPM results. 4As, 1B+, 3Cs and 1E((addmths UGH)). My BM haih. I wanted an A so so bad for that subject. Addmath sucked. And it still sucks. Boo. I'm not sure about furthering my studies, aish nak cakap cane eh, I WANT to study. If I get an offer, alhamdulillah, all praise to Allah. But the costs nowadays are so so expensive. I mean learning shouldn't be this hard. I'm thinking about continuing Form 6, since private universities need a lot money. And a lot means really A. LOT.  Yeah.

          And Alia is putting henna on my toe nails since she can't wear any because of her school's protocol. And I am so addicted to henna these days. My life will be so dull without her and my family. Sigh.

            May Allah grant us prosperity and happiness, and give us strength for the tests given. Aamin :) good night!

Talking about the future of a couch potato

   28/2/15  , 10.10 p.m.

       So. Am still freaking out about the result, and I still have about 3 days more less to keep feeling nervous about it. Yep. I started freaking today, from 2 a.m., my adrenaline started to pump out/release? (not sure if that's even logical) but yeah. I'm a nervous potato right now.

          Uhm, so after this adrenaline-wasting-phase, I will have to make some decisions. (Refer; decisions that are made right: it probably can make my life easier, or, wrong decisions: let's not talk about it.) And to even think about it, being an adult is hard. No no not complaining, just stating my opinion. Um. I know what I want to be, I can see the flow but you see, sometimes life can really be messed up. Yes I am the most skeptical human alive hohoho. Hah just kidding. (Haha?)

          I want to be a lawyer or an English teacher. I definitely lack of self-confidence. I'm not even sure if I'm capable of doing it. I mean, I'd love to try the adventurous life of being a lawyer; I started to have thoughts about being a lawyer when I found out that I am deeply obsessed in politics.

          And about being an English teacher? I'm not sure. Its just because I love the language, and I love to spread knowledge to people, eventhough most of the times people never understood the things that I explained to them because I simply suck at explaining things but hey, there are still many things to learn. There must be some teaching skills that I don't know and I can totally learn on how to do that. Kan?
  

          Still, I leave all the plans to Allah. Takpe kita usaha, and then terima everything as it is. That's how I understand the concept of tawakkul.   Hah look at me typing so much. Entah la nak. Fening la fening. I suck at writing conclusions in essays and yeah, I still suck. Assalamualaikum heheh

         

Err... not so good.

    20/12/14, 6:19 p.m


       Driving for the first time was hell. I mean, I know nothing about cars. And when I say nothing, it literally means NOTHING. And my driving teacher seems to be confusing the fact that I know nothing about driving that thing.

        I did terrible. Beyond terrible that random people would smack their heads on the tables. Who in the world would be expecting much from me? And yes, I feel like poop right now, thank you. And yes. I'm BEYOND insecure right now. I feel like I wanna cry but I realize that it's a waste to cry over such things hahaha ei ngade arr awak ni adoooo

          Not trying to be a brat or anything but I kinda wished boleh guna kereta auto instead of manual transmission. Gila nak putus tangan pulas stereng since I was a first timer, and trust me, it wasn't that great of a memory to be remembered. I've spent the night groaning because of my arms and legs ached so much. Ugh I'm traumatized.

        Maybe it's going to be better. Of course it wouldn't work, maybe I didn't try hard enough. Ayoyoyo everything's gonna be fine.

maybe.